What is Gaslighting?

Stick and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me. This phrase seemed to echo round the playground when I was a girl.  Unfortunately, I have found in my professional grown up life, that it is absolutely wrong.  Word and deeds can be devastating and their effect profound.

Gaslighting feels like a relatively recent term.  However, there was a film in 1944 called Gaslight starring Ingrid Bergman. A beautiful woman marries a charming man. Soon enough, strange things start to happen and she begins to doubt her own sanity. Her husband tells her that she is imagining things. This is familiar to many of my clients and might be to you.

Gaslighting is a specific behaviour.  It causes the victim to doubt themselves, lose their self-worth and identity. The truth is distorted and exaggerated over time. Persistent statements undermine reality. A bruise is clear evidence something has gone wrong but a creeping sense of self-doubt is much harder to identify.

5 clues that you might be a victim:

1. Your partner often reminds you that your behaviour is wrong.  Nothing you do is right.  Even if you do something right, you are convinced you are wrong. Anyone in your situation would begin to doubt themselves.  Remember this is not your fault.
2. Your partner uses your weaknesses and vulnerabilities against you. They use the trust you have in them and your intimacy to their advantage. Remember this is not your fault.
3. You feel you are walking on eggshells. You begin to dread been alone together. That sinking feeling in your stomach starts knowing that they are coming home soon. You wait for snide comments and regularly feel unhappy. Remember this is not your fault.
4. If you confront your partner, they deny, express surprise or claim they were just joking. If you persist, they might become aggressive and will push the blame back onto you. Remember this is not your fault.
5. You may eventually become resigned to your way of life, never sure whether it’s you or them in the wrong. You might decide it must be you or is it? I know I am repeating myself now but please remember this is not your fault.

You must remember the truth. You are the victim of a destructive behaviour.  Your partner’s actions can never be justified. If you think this might be you, it might help to seek counselling and talk through what is happening so that you can get regain your sense of perspective.

Get in touch 

If you would like advice or help about this issue or any other type of behaviour that is worrying you, or I can help you in relation to any other family law matter, please do contact me confidentially on 01924 291122 or email me at rebecca.baker@catteralls.co.uk

Associated Image by vectorjuice on Freepik